A Spiritual Realization

For the past two years or so, I’ve been on a spiritual journey. I’ve went to church a number of times. I’ve read a chunk of the bible. I’ve sung the songs. I’ve tried really hard to believe, but I don’t feel it. I think the main allure may have been that many Christians seem really happy. And who doesn’t want to be happy?

Things that make them happy include volunteering, helping others, donating to charity, singing songs, having like-minded friends, and being kind. None of these things require belief in a deity.

Maybe it’s that I’ve been through too much crap to be able to believe that God has some wonderful plan for me. This list includes things like a miscarriage in 2011, which I haven’t really talked about much. It was one of the worse experiences I’ve ever had. Maybe I’ll write about it more in the future. All the job/financial difficulties, a divorce, food/health issues, and being bullied largely make up the rest of the crap.

Anyway, the moment I decided I was agnostic was the moment I felt peace inside me. I was anguishing over the fact that I couldn’t make myself believe beyond the possibility of initial creation. I fell in a pool when I was three. It was my brother who saved me. Now, one might say I was lucky or that God must have been watching over me because it happened while my family was all there, but I bet somewhere on the other side of the globe there was another child who didn’t survive a drowning. What would make me more deserving of attention from God than another? Nothing that I can think of.

But here’s the thing. Just because I don’t believe, doesn’t mean I need to be mean to those who do or that I should be okay with hate directed at religious groups. Because I’m really not okay with the fact that Christians are being slaughtered in Nigeria. It’s been going on for a long time. This is something that everyone, regardless of faith, should be upset about. Those are human lives. And just because some Christians are or were A-holes doesn’t mean these particular Christians in Nigeria or anywhere else deserve to die. We’ll never progress with a tit-for-tat mentality.

Plus, it could be your group next.

Also, I think Christians and others have a right to be upset that they can’t pray in school while other groups can. I think it would be awesome if all students were allowed some quiet time to pray, meditate, do yoga, or read a book because time to slow down during the day is beneficial for everyone. It’s about accepting everyone’s differences too.

Alternatively, all prayer could be banned from school, but I feel passionate that the answer isn’t in eradication of religions. Some books may need to be updated because advocating killing others is shitty, but I think part of the world’s beauty is in the mosaic, which wouldn’t be as varied without different worldviews.

Since admitting this thing about myself, I feel energized and free. I have more time for the things I love like martial arts. I’m not beholden to outdated rules. I can enjoy everything that doesn’t hurt another without feeling bad about it.

And I can write anything I want.


I have to pause some things right now. The opportunity has arisen where my water needs to be turned off, so a plumber can do work in the unit below mine. I have something I need done and don’t have a quote yet for it.

  • R. Card: 73.22%
  • S. Card: 24.7%
  • OSAP Loan: 6.86%
  • Savings: TBD


I’m heading back to jodo this weekend. I finally feel ready to get back to it. I was partly holding back on this because I knew I couldn’t do jodo and church due to the scheduling, but now I don’t need to worry about it.

  • Gazelle: 0% saved


It looks like I’ll be taking a step forward soon on the bathroom reno. With my water turned off and a plumber in the building, I’m hoping he can install the quarter-turn shutoffs I need on my bathroom sink the same day he works on my neighbour’s project. If so, I’ll then be able to slowly work at removing the old vanity and sink, repairing the drywall, and painting the room. I guess it’s a good thing I know what colour I want. I should consider a new light in there soon too as the current one sucks and I will need to repair the wall there likely too.

Oh, I’ve started a new thing with the declutter effort. I’m aiming to handle one piece of paper a day. Whether that means put it in the recycle, shred it, digitize it, or file it doesn’t matter. I figure by at least handling one a day, it’ll get under control despite limited time and fatigue. So far I’m doing well with it. I started it midweek and found some days it was easy to do more than one. And I’m keeping track of it in the same spreadsheet I track word counts and other things.

  • Chaise: 35% saved
  • Paper: 6 pieces


  • Read: 9/30
  • Class: I have heard back and need to take the next step. My email inbox has been cleaned up and the new temp starts soon, so I think I’ll have time for this.


This is coming along. My left hand is getting better and I’m getting closer to being able to play it with both hands smoothly. I doubt it’s up to speed though. I’ll be pulling out my metronome soon.


I’m now aiming to write at least 100 words a day. Life has been busy and draining, so I figure if I can at least do that, it’s almost 1000 words a week. I’m not counting my blog in that 100 words. Soon enough, the nice weather will turn and I’ll be indoors a lot more.

  • The Page & The Magician: 72,189/80,000